in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
So many bounce houses so little time
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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