Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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