I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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