She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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