Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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