maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
