If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Pooping to opera.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
