how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
