I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
