Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
