she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
