i think i have two assholes
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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