a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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