There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
