i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
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