Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
