Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Randomize
