Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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