All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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