I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Randomize
