I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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