So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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