I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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