pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
