I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
