I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
