I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
