I am in a vortex of obligation.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
