I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just cropdusted the office
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
