Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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