Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
