Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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