so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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