We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
