Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
