i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
