he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Randomize
