haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
