the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
