I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
