Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
