the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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