You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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