He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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