3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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