The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
