woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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