I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
