can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
