I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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