turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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