my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
