i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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