I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
